Santa in Recession...

This year Santa came too but stripped down to cut the cost.

Recession Joke ….

A new teacher was getting to know the kids by asking them their names and what their father did for a living.

The first little girl said my name is Mary and my Dad is a postman.

The next child said my name Andy and my Dad is a mechanic.

And so on it went.

Until one little boy said my name is Johnny and my father is a dancer in a ladies bar.

The teacher gasped and quickly changed the subject.

Later the teacher approached Johnny privately and asked is your Dad really a dancer in a ladies bar?

Little Johnny blushed and said no. He's really a bank manager. I am just too embarrassed to tell anyone.

Entering Heaven

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses the man wearing somewhat sloppy clothes, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Jack Thomas Jr., taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Then it's the minister's turn. He stands up tall and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's Church, for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man before me was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.
Why, How can this be?"

Saint Peter, looks to the preacher and says,

"Up here, we work by results,"

"While you preached, people slept. While Jack drove, people prayed."

Idiot Awards

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?" The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, " and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T IDIOTS AT WORK: I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched. IDIOT SIGHTING I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? " He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

A Chinese detectives report:!

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man; so he hired a famous Chinese detective to watch and report any activities while he was gone.

A few days later he received this report:

Most honorable Sir:
You leave the house. I watch house.
He comes to house. I watch.
He and she leave the house. I follow.
He and she get on train. I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she. She kiss he.
He strip she. She strip he.
He play with she. She play with he.
I play with Me. Fall out of tree, not see. NO FEE.

Mozart:!

Santa and Banta, while in New York trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart.
"Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"
Banta, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You are so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Long Island."
There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at him. Santa was mortified. He pulled him away and whispered, "We are leaving right now."
As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally Banta turned to him. "You are angry about something."
"Oh, really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I have never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Long Island? You idiot ! No. 5 bus does not go out to Long Island"

Ancestor's communication network!!

An American and a Russian archaeologist were bragging to Santa.

The Russian said that while digging an ancient ruin in Russia, he came across some thick cables; therefore he claimed that Russians had the telegraph system long before it was invented.

The American said that while digging a ruin in America he found thin cables. This indicated that his ancestors used telephones.

Now it was the turn of our great Santa. He said that while digging ruins in India, men could find nothing; no cables, no wires. It clearly proves that his ancestors used the most sophisticated wireless system.

Innocent daughter-in-law?!

The newly-married daughter-in-law demurely told her mother-in-law, "Mum! I want to know about the customs here."

The mother-in-law said, "Yes Yes, go ahead!"

"How many months after marriage are babies delivered here?" the daughter-in-law enquired.

"Why ? after nine months," told the mother-in-law, struck by her daughter-in-law`s innocence.

"But," declared the daughter-in-law, "At my father`s place, they do it after six months, and for the first time, I shall follow their custom."